Butters and Eric: Vampire Killers
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: The most peculiar, odd, and strange South Park misadventure ever carried out.


At the end of class, on Halloween...

Mr. Garrison was giving his usual banter after class.

"Well children, class is over, and as I mentioned earlier today, there's a blood drive going on in South Park. I'm going to be

getting a blood transfusion cuz Mr. Hat injured one of my vessels and gave me a clotari 2600 issue.

Anyway, children you guys are done, but remember, children Mr. Hat and I are never ever done!"

explained Mr. Garrison. Garrison packed up his things and left, and most of the kids were getting

ready to leave the classroom, putting books back into their packs and assembling their notepads and pencils.

Butters poked Eric Cartman on the shoulder.

"Hey, uhh, Eric? Is Mr. Garrison a vampire?" asked Butters. Eric had been indoctrinating Butters into a think tank that believed

vampires are everywhere in Colorado.

"Yes, Butters. I keep telling you, they have infiltrated society on so many levels, woah, bro you don't even have a clue!" replied Cartman.

"Just how bad is it?" asked Butters.

"Meet me behind Shad's Shed near Craig's house. There, the Eric Cartman Society meeting will commence" said Cartman.

"Oh, okay. You know so much about the world, Eric" said Butters with an intense look of approbation and respect.

"I owe some of that to Clyde Frog and Glenn Beck. But thanks anyway, gullible Guss" said Eric.

Behind Shad's Shed:

Late that night, it was raining.

"Okay Butters, this is very serious. Most people have just become complicit. They think all blood donations are actually used

to help people. Many are used to do just that, and for that we are grateful. But there's also a certain percentage, Butters, of that blood that is shipped

directly to Kyle, I mean Transylvania. People are willingly donating their blood to vampires" said Cartman.

"Translyvania? Isn't that where Dracula is from?" said Butters. Eric nodded.

"Yes Butters, you're right on top of my toast. My think tank has expanded now to over 30 members, and we're finally ready to take action and we believe that something can finally be done to stop blood from being donated to vampires and vulcan jews once and for all. We can killthem by paying them a dose of their own medicine. Stealing their blood, before they steal one more drop of ours!" said Eric.

"Your think tank looks like a bunch of stuffed animals, Eric" said Butters.

"It only looks that way in the third dimension you fuckfart. Sorry. Anyway, we have a job to do Butters. We're gonna rob a blood bank!" said Eric.

"Rob a blood bank? Eric, that's a terrible idea" said Butters.

"Vampires suck, Butters. Vampires really really suck. From now on, you are Butters the Vampire Slayer" said Eric.

"You're right Eric. I'll go get my Professor Chaos costume" said Butters

"No, no, not Chaos, Butters. Do not be Professor Chaos. In order to infiltrate the enemy, you must become the enemy" said Eric, handing Butters his old vampire costume from last Halloween.

"I don't wanna be a vampire, Eric. I was always a Team Jacob fan back in the day" said Butters. Eric grimmaced.

"Butters, I'm not into professional wrestling anymore, werewolves are gay, and you my friend

are definately not gay. So put on this dress and bonnet instead, you're gonna be my 17th century girlfriend! I'll be the vampire" said Eric.

"Oh, okay Eric. I've always loved 17th century women. The dress is a little itchy, but I'll wear it" said Butters.

"Butters, you need to be a lot more comfortable with this role if we're gonna pull off the greatest heist of all time" said Eric. Lightening struck the ground near Butters.

"I am comfortable with it, Eric. Just call me Countess Elizabutters Buttursulah the First" said Butters.

"Yes. Yes, Butters. You are one badass bitch" said Eric.

"So when do we pull off the heist?" asked Butters.

"Tomorrow, after school. Bring a parasol. We'll take all the blood to the Euphratese River" replied Eric.

Next day, after class:

"Okay children, class is over, as you know today is Halloween, but sadly I can't celebrate it by trick or treating like

you little assholes can because I accidentally injured one of Mr. Hat's blood vessels and he needs to go get

a transfusion. Bye kids, happy halloween" said Garrison, packing up and leaving. Craig laughed.

"Who else thinks that our teacher is delusional?" asked Craig. Kenny muttered "No, Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat are immortal overlords"

and Butters and Cartman began drawing on their tables and mapping out their plans.

Later, that night, a the South Park Blood Bank:

Eric and Butters were in their respective costumes. Eric lept up on top of the building, and used an army laser to cut through the exterior and made his way inside, sliding down from a rope.

"Count Ericulah calling Countess Elizabutters. I'm inside, no one else is here, I'm past the security alarms!" said Eric.

"17th century mistress calling Count Ericulah. I'm climbing up the building" said Butters. Butters climbed up the building, and slid down the rope to meet up with Eric.

"You're flattening me, Butters!" said Eric. Eric picked up Butters and tossed him against what looked like a fridge. The fridge door flew way open, while Butters saw Kim Kardashians swirling around. Finally, he became concious.

"Ericulah, that's not how you treat a lady!" said Butters.

"Butters, shoot the security camera!" said Eric.

"I don't know Eric, security cameras are just as alive as you and I" said Butters.

"Butters, remember when we saved America? SHOOT THE CAMERA!" said Eric. Eric grabbed hold of Butters hands and forced

him to pull the trigger, shooting down all the cameras.

"Oh gee Eric, I didn't wanna shoot all those cameras" said Butters.

"Never mind that Butters we don't have much time. Tomorrow morning this blood is gonna be shipped to the vampires.

Hey, dude, what the hell? Why do all these containers of blood in this entire bank say they belong to Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat?" asked Eric.

"Gee, I dunno Eric, maybe they donate a lot of blood" said Butters.

"Yeah, but how are they even still alive? How much blood is in their bodies? Like, literally all the blood in here belongs to them" said Eric.

"I don't really wanna think about this Eric. Let's get that blood to the Euphrates River" said Butters. Eric began hauling the huge tanks of blood on his back viaa lasso.

"Come on Butters, let's go outside" said Eric. A groggy security guard spotted them, dropping his laptop computer on the floor.

"You bastards stop right there!" said the guard.

"Oh shit, our ingenious cover is blown. Quick, act like a screensaver" said Eric.

"What?" asked Butters.

"Act like a screensaver. Sit in front of this guys laptop computer and blink slowly and repeatedly while humming a soft melodic beat"

"Oh, okay" replied Butters.

"That's good. Now get on your hind legs and crawl back and forth in front of the screen with me, and keep blinking very slowly while playing dubstep on your ipod! Be sure to beep from time to time" said Eric.

"Beep! Beep! This is the Butters Screensaver, savin' yer screen. Beep. Beep" said Butters.

"Yep, nothing to see here. Just a screensaver. Go back to sleep, vulcan Jew" said Eric.

So Butters and Cartman pretended to be blinking green alien fish on the screensaver and the security guard fell asleep. Then Butters and Cartman took the blood and headed on out of the area.

At Stark's Pond:

Eric unloaded all the blood that he and Butters took from the bank and began dumping it into the pond.

"This isn't the Euphrates River, Eric" said Butters.

"Pretty sure the Bible was talking about Starks Pond my dear" replied Eric, blowing air onto his palms and wiping his pants off.

"The deed is done, Eric. I couldn't have done it without you" said Butters.

"I couldn't have done it without you, lovely Countess Elizabutters" said Eric. Butters hugged Eric. Wendy Testaburger and Stan Marsh could be seen filming them and laughing at them.

At school, in the hallway the next day:

"Did you guys see that Youtube video of Eric and Butters? They're holding hands at Starks Pond" said Wendy. Eric was quick to respond.

"Butters and I are not gay, alright? We're a 17th century husband and wife bank robbing team" said Eric, who was almost out of breath.

The next day, on the news:

Reporter: All of the blood in the South Park Blood Bank has been completely removed from storage. It is not yet known

who did the crime or how all the blood was stolen, as security cameras had all been shot dead. A candle light vigil is currently being held for the security cameras to mourn their loss.

Also, word has it that perhaps vampires are responsible for the theft, but this is unconfirmed. Excuse me?

We've just received word that the water in Stark's Pond has turned to blood. Is this biblical prophecy unfolding before

our very eyes? Local and famous blood donors Mr. Hat and Mr. Garrison refused to comment on the blood in the lake,

but they are confident that the town of South Park will always have a steady supply of blood for its banks, because

they have a tendency to donate...a lot. Oh, wait, looks like we're hearing from Garrison right now:

"The truth is I actually donated all that blood to convince everyone that I'm an immortal vampire. Mr. Hat is lucky to be alive"

The End


End file.
